Resolving Conflict with Relationship Math

• July 17, 2018

Each day I work with wonderful women and men, all striving to be their best selves. They all struggle with a mathematical equation they should have been taught at school!

The Lesson They Didn’t Teach You!

Love is easy, right?

Yeah … tell that to the couple who have just had another raging argument!

Sound familiar?

Don’t despair, there is some simple math that you weren’t taught at school that can help you understand and address this sad reality.

Each of us has many parts.

At our core is our authentic self—the beautiful, calm, kind, caring, confident, trusting SELF.

When you and your partner’s authentic SELF pitch up at the same time, then your naïve, childish relationship hopes come true. Life is good.

At times of stress and distress, especially as children, other parts are born within us. Their job is to help us survive. They’re all good parts, but often, they end up playing bad roles.

These other parts are seriously committed to protecting you. They are selfishly dedicated to YOU!

When one of your other parts is in control, you’re not necessarily the nicest person to be around. I’m sure that you know what that looks and feels like!?

Now, imagine that you have only two parts … your authentic SELF, and one other. Imagine that your partner also has two parts.

The unmoderated probability of you and your partner’s authentic SELF both leading at the same time is 1 in 4.

More accurately, there’s a 1 in 4 chance of both your authentic SELVES pitching up; a 1 in 4 chance of your authentic SELF pitching up and your partner’s other part; a 1 in 4 chance of your other part pitching up to meet your partner’s authentic SELF; and a 1 in 4 chance of both of your other parts pitching up.

I know this math may seem complicated. What it really means is that it is likely that you will have a partial, or complete mismatch on 3 out of 4 days, or in 3 of 4 conversations!

Actually, I have grossly underestimated the problem. In my experience, most of us have at least 3 other parts.

In this more realistic case, you will have a partial, or complete mismatch on all but two days in any month!

That’s only two good days a month! It’s no wonder relationships are SO DIFFICULT!!

But there is good news …

With courage, patience, skilled insight and training, we can increase the likelihood of pitching up with our authentic SELF in control. I call this personal mastery … when we are the leader of our parts. Others have called this “flow”; the state in which life moves forward effortlessly.

When you work with a suitably trained coach, you will learn to identify and understand your parts. You will learn about the situations where your other parts take over, and you will learn and practice to keep your authentic SELF in the lead role.

Then, you will stand a much better chance of achieving harmonious, productive relationships.

I hope that you will complain to your high school teachers for omitting this vital equation. I hope that you will have the courage to explore your inner world, either alone, or with your life and work partners. I hope that you will experiment with this Marriage Math!

This is the pathway to a balanced, integrated, and rewarding life.

Have fun,

Roddy